I know that I am not alone in sitting in the comfy chair and not wanting to change things. But lately there has arisen a need that I must fill that I am afraid to fill. Which means that I have put it off and now I need to act.
I am faced with a room full of demons to cross. I can see the objective ahead of me but between me and my objective are years and years of negative thoughts and statements. The thoughts are my own. The ones that say “there is no way you can do that.”;”You have tried to do this in the past and failed.”; “Why would they want you?” and so forth. The statements are the things that people have said that amount to the same thing. What ever the reason for the person had for saying it doesn’t matter. It has stayed in my brain waiting to be dragged out and paraded around.
The totally rational part of my brain will disagree with the information that is between me and my goal. But the larger part of me, the insecure and newly hatched confident part, cringe and try to hide. Totally accepting defeat before the battle begins. And though I know that I would do very well at what I am attempting there is still the fear that all those things I was told during the depths of the survived trauma are true.
It is like being faced with a life or death situation and someone is telling you to choose. And all you can do is stand there in fear until you take that initiative and open your mouth and say “yes, yes I am going to try.” At the moment I am between the devil and the deep blue sea. And I know that like starting this blog all I need to do is say “yes” or in this case hit the send button.
In this case I am attempting to apply for internships and put myself out there. Which I need to do to graduate. But that means leaving the comfort of my obscurity and the comfy chair of non movement. And putting myself in a position to be turned down.
It is all about crossing the room and turning on the light, realizing that the lies were just lies, and that I am more intelligent and powerful than I think.