Letting go of “some” of the controls

I am at school. I am at the residency that happens before the semester officially starts. It is like a stressful vacation. Stressful in that there is a lot to do in a very short time. I have also decided to let go of some of the control I try to exert over the universe.

At residency we meet with the mentors who will be working with us for the semester. We plan our course work and make contracts for what we will be doing and when it will be due. Usually when I show up I know exactly who I will be working with and exactly what I will be doing. This time when I showed up I knew who I was working with and the courses I would be working on. I usually know what books I will be using and what I will be doing for products. But not this time.

I have no idea why, but this semester I just did no prep work. And even now I have no real idea of what I am doing for most of my courses. Am I ok with this? No, not really. Am I having panic attacks? Yes, frequently. Is letting go of the need to always “know ” what I am going to do a good thing? Yes!

I am trying to let go of the almost epic need that I have to control the things that go on in my life. I am trying to loosen the reigns on things. Not let go of them because that is just crazy. But, I am trying to give myself room to make mistakes and to find a more organic flow to learning. I am trying to become what someone in my advising group said this morning. I am trying to become a “learner” and not a “knower.” I am learning to experience and not just plan my life. I am learning to “Trust the Process” in my life and education. I am learning. And that is a good thing.

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