Lately I have been trying to make a decision. I guess that a better way of putting it is that I am trying to find a path or direction. I have tried mind mapping the thoughts around the search. I have tried talking to someone about the decision. Nothing really seems to help me find the clarity that I am looking for. Which leads me to my last place of discourse. My interview with Oprah.
Years ago, when I had time and a television, I would watch Oprah Winfrey interview people on her show. She would ask questions and people would open up to her. Somewhere along the way clarity about what ever it was that they were discussing would appear. I would say around five years ago I started to have time in the car when there was no one else with me and I would talk to Oprah about what ever was going on. She never asked a question I did not want to answer and somehow I would find the clarity I needed to better understand what was going on in my world.
I know that I have mentioned this before in an earlier post. As I drive down the road seeing people talking on hands free devices I know that I do not look strange talking to myself. This particular problem I am struggling with seems to be one of those that requires a series of interviews.
I am not sure exactly why I brought this up here. I think it has to do with communication and feeling overwhelmed. I know that if left to fester on its own my mind will create a labyrinth of problems from one small question. Talking to others about what is going on in my life and the problems or issues that come up helps to untangle that mess of thoughts. The real bonus part of my conversations with Oprah is that I am not insulting anyone as I make my way through the confusion that I am untangling. I have a tendency to just start talking and say what comes up. I do this primarily when I am talking to people I know well. This sort of thing happens often when talking to my husband. Primarily because whatever we are talking about generally results in a knee jerk response from me. When I talk to Oprah I have a chance to recover from that fateful foot in mouth syndrome. Because sometimes all I need is to just let loose with a stream of consciousness conversation with someone who asks the right questions.
When I am struggling with depression and all the trappings that go with it I lose touch with people. I forget that I need to communicate with people and bring all the darkness into the light. I have found that for somethings that have to do with the trauma I need to talk out loud. I need to hear my voice. But I don’t need anyone else to hear or understand about my trauma. I just need to say it out loud. As though the sheer act of putting it out there is all I need. And having an imaginary listener who is neither shocked nor traumatized is really all I want.
I will continue on my journey of trying to find this path that is being so elusive. I will continue to try to find the answers. And I think that on my drive home I will be having a long talk with Oprah.
Be courageous and keep breathing.