For the last few months I have been struggling. Struggling to write this blog. Struggling to find a peaceful place in my mind. Just struggling with everything.
Then something began to change in my house. My daughter, who has been struggling with depression for a while started to do something different. She started to exercise. And to do things that she wasn’t doing before. It all started with a small yoga practice. Then moved on to jumping rope and running. She started small. Doing them for a short time and then increasing a little then staying at that level.
She has begun to feel stronger inside herself and less depressed. There is a very strong glow about her now. She has begun to inspire me.
I look at myself and I say there is no way I can do that. I can’t do those yoga positions. I can’t walk very far. I can’t… See a pattern? But then I started to really watch her. She is not doing more than her body can do, only challenging it to do more. She has made it past the wall of inertia that keeps me back.
Yesterday I started to do my very small yoga practice. It felt really hard to start. It was really hard to get my body to move at first. There was so much stiffness in all of my muscles. Each movement was loosening muscles that I had let become almost rock like. With each movement my mind was starting to loosen up as well. All this was followed by meditation. I have built up to fifteen minutes now. Which is pretty good for someone who gets distracted by dust particles floating past.
My daughter is rapidly becoming my hero without her knowing it. And my inspiration to change. The struggles are all there still. The challenges have not decreased. My mind and my body however are starting to grow a little bit stronger each day. As I watch my daughter overcoming her own challenges I am inspired to try to move past my own.
Today I started to exercise. Very small amount. Don’t want to over do it. I have started to do very basic stuff. Like walking up and down the stairs more. And pushups off the counter. And, I don’t remember jumping jacks being that hard. As well as just moving more.
The reason for this is because we are rapidly approach the hardest time of the year for me. That time right before Thanksgiving till after New Year’s. So, after all my exercise friends explained, again, how it will help me; I have begun, again. Other than the uncomfortable feelings of muscles complaining about using them with out prior authorization I feel the same. But today is the first day so things could change.
Generally I like winter. The snow. The Birds at the bird feeder. Watching the children sled. All that stuff is wonderful and I love it. And I so desperately want to love the Holidays. Along with the exercise I have been trying to get my holiday shopping done early so that I have reduced the stress even more. However the big gun that I have pulled out this year is the exercise. We will see how this works out. I have high hopes for better mental health through exercise. And meditation. But that is another story.
I have heard from many people, some actually know what they are talking about, that when you exercise you feel happier. I even know the science about this. The endorphins increase as you exercise and you feel happier. I know that this works because I have actually seen it work. Not in me, but other people.
You see, here is the problem, I am depressed and there for apathetic. So I get the whole plan to exercise down. And then I feel depressed and can’t get out of bed to exercise. I do sometimes go for walks with my husband and talk. Then I feel great. So I guess I have experienced those endorphins. But maintaining that momentum is not easy.
And that is why I have decided that I want to do Yoga. Notice that I have said want to do Yoga and not that I am actually planning to start doing yoga. I am trying to sneak up on the depression and start doing yoga. I will of course be doing this at home, with a video. Because I cannot commit to going to class. I know that people say that by committing to go you are more likely to go. But it just gives me one more person to hide from until they forget I was supposed to be in their class. This time I am going to go solo. I hope.
Which brings me to my next thought about yoga. Why can’t they have a somewhat overweight and uncoordinated person as the student. That way I can see what I look like and how to fix the position. Nothing says intimidating like a peppy yoga instructor. (Except for Jessie Lucas, she is an awesome yoga instruct who would get my butt into class. But fortunately for me lives to far away.)
Today I have decided to watch the yoga video. I will commit to doing it later.