My Daughter, My Hero

For the last few months I have been struggling. Struggling to write this blog. Struggling to find a peaceful place in my mind. Just struggling with everything.

Then something began to change in my house. My daughter, who has been struggling with depression for a while started to do something different. She started to exercise. And to do things that she wasn’t doing before. It all started with a small yoga practice. Then moved on to jumping rope and running. She started small. Doing them for a short time and then increasing a little then staying at that level.

She has begun to feel stronger inside herself and less depressed. There is a very strong glow about her now. She has begun to inspire me.

I look at myself and I say there is no way I can do that. I can’t do those yoga positions. I can’t walk very far. I can’t… See a pattern? But then I started to really watch her. She is not doing more than her body can do, only challenging it to do more. She has made it past the wall of inertia that keeps me back.

Yesterday I started to do my very small yoga practice. It felt really hard to start. It was really hard to get my body to move at first. There was so much stiffness in all of my muscles. Each movement was loosening muscles that I had let become almost rock like. With each movement my mind was starting to loosen up as well. All this was followed by meditation. I have built up to fifteen minutes now. Which is pretty good for someone who gets distracted by dust particles floating past.

My daughter is rapidly becoming my hero without her knowing it. And my inspiration to change. The struggles are all there still. The challenges haveĀ  not decreased. My mind and my body however are starting to grow a little bit stronger each day. As I watch my daughter overcoming her own challenges I am inspired to try to move past my own.

Afraid to Fail

There have been so many times that I have never tried to do something because I was afraid. I do not mean hang gliding or rock climbing. Those will probably never happen. The first because I am truly terrified of heights and the second because that type of dexterity left me a while ago. Though it could come back if I work at it. No, the type of fear that I am talking about is the fear of failing.

I haven’t written the book I always wanted to because I was afraid it would never be published. And it won’t at this rate. Or of taking a chance to meet someone. Or of trying something new, anything new. This fear has ruled me for so long. And here is the thing, I would probably be just fine at what ever I wanted to do. I am always amazed at the amount of belief in me other people have.

And I guess that is a big part of it. Other people see us without all the fog we put up to blind ourselves. I have been struggling along in life trying to get through school or trying to understand something and think I am failing miserably. Yet, the people around me keep saying I am doing great. Perhaps it is time that I take stock of what i have accomplished in life. And try to do those things.

A very wise friend of mine, Sandra, keeps telling me I can do these things. And that I need to just tell myself that I can do anything. I can write that book, or sing that song, or apply for that internship. All those years of allowing the trauma to keep me down, of believing all those things that I was told and internalized, needs to come to an end. Because those things were not true then and they are not true now.

I can do all the things that I want to do. And in the immortal words of Allie Brosch, “I can do anything!” ( Hyperbole and a half).