Walking on a dark path

Lately I have found myself walking that quiet dark path. I hate walking on this path. But sometimes when things become so stressful I find myself walking in the dark. So to find my way out I turn to friends. And usually to the very old and dear friend that has been with me forever.

And that friend is music. Music can change how I am feeling. I start with good stuff that captures my mood like the Counting Crows and then move to lighter music that gets me dancing in the kitchen. This elevates my mood for a little while.

Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t. But I guess the important thing for me has been recognizing that I am depressed and then trying to work from there. And not try to keep pretending that everything is good.

But most important, more important than music is people. It is reaching out to friends and feeling them there in the darkness. Someone to listen to you, or read your facebook messages and let you know that, here in the dark you are not alone.

And it is reaching out to someone else, seeing past your pain to someone else in pain and holding out a hand to them. So, today as I am walking through a dark part I am grateful to those who have reached out to me and grasped my hand in the dark and held tight. Thank you! Kristen, Jamar, Michele, Felicia, Sandra…and all the others. Thanks

Friends

I have a limited number of people that I call “friends.” I think that this is a small number only because I can only think about so many at a time. Once, a long time ago, someone told me about thinking about my funeral and what did i think people would say about me when I am gone. I know that they got this idea from somewhere else, a book , I think but I do not know which one. In any case, the object is to look at what other people see when they see you. And then I thought who would come to my funeral. It would probably be a small event, I thought.

So, I asked my family. They started ticking off people. And the number was a lot bigger than I thought. Why? Because I, and you, know more people than we think. And we influence more people than we think. I try to talk to people everyday. When I am out in the world or on the phone or even just messaging on facebook. But I try to talk to people. This is to keep me in practice. If I had a chance I would hole up at home and not talk to anyone. Making it a habit keeps me social.

I thought about what people would say about me. I hope that it would be good things. I try to be a nice person. Even though sometimes I am not. There is usually a good reason, I hope. I would like to think that I was kind to people, caring, open and accepting. At least in theory.

So, this part goes out to a friend of mine who is struggling and I want them to know particularly and everyone in general to know that everyone struggles. And everyone can make it through. Even when times look really dark and that there really isn’t an up, there always is. I know how Pollyannaish that sounds but it really is true. Somewhere there is a light on just for you. It may not be obvious and you may not know how hard someone is working to get to you, but  they are. And when you find that light everything will be brighter and you can see all the things that have been pulling you back. And you will see how far you have come. I know that I am always amazed at how far I have come with the weight that I carry. And that I am not alone. Even though I may feel lonely. I don’t have to. That is why I reach out everyday.

I have been lifted up by people who don’t even know me. Because I have decided to be open to that. Open to people around me who care. Open to the opportunity to reach out and maybe not find anything. But there is usually something there. And that person soon becomes my friend.

Though I do not think I have a large group of friends I am finding that I do. Because I want to be open to the experience. So when I think about my funeral I think a medium group. I hope for a large group. But I won’t be disappointed by a small group. And I think they will say nice things. So, who will be at your funeral?