openning the door

Sometimes when I am really feeling in a dark place I try to check in with my body. Where am I feeling the darkness and where is the pain centered? Most of the time it is centered in my chest. I tend to have more problems with my asthma when I am having a hard time. Yet something that I always feel is a tightness in my whole body.

It feels as though my body has closed in on itself and solidified. The muscles all feel tight and I have very little range of motion. And though yoga and I have a strained relationship yoga has been helpful. I often think of yoga as that friend that keeps offering you a glass of water when you are thirsty only you don’t realize you’re thirsty. And then when you finally figure out that yes, indeed you are thirsty the friend hands you the water, without rolling their eyes. 

It is at this time that I find that I have to open my heart a little bit and accept the hand of a friend. I do not have a steady yoga practice, obviously. But I do have a few positions that I do that help open the door to a more relaxed body. I have found that by locating where I am feeling the pain and the stress I can better judge how to help myself. Panic and stress are located in my chest. Fear and trauma memory are in my feet, (which were damaged when I was young), and most everything else settles into my shoulders and back.

By understanding my body, which has taken me a long time, I can work out with whatever is bothering me. And yoga helps me get through to those spots. If I do it. Standing with my palms pressed together behind my back, fingers pointing up has centered me and allowed me to think through whatever is pressing on me more than anything else. It helps me to breathe and find that opening in the door that I need to be able to step out of the dark place.

For today I am accepting the glass of water that is offered to me. I will quiet my mind and feel my body return to me. In slow and small increments that allow me to breathe.



Exercise, the way to Happiness?

I have heard from many people, some actually know what they are talking about, that when you exercise you feel happier. I even know the science about this. The endorphins increase as you exercise and you feel happier. I know that this works because I have actually seen it work. Not in me, but other people.

You see, here is the problem, I am depressed and there for apathetic. So I get the whole plan to exercise down. And then I feel depressed and can’t get out of bed to exercise. I do sometimes go for walks with my husband and talk. Then I feel great. So I guess I have experienced those endorphins. But maintaining that momentum is not easy.

And that is why I have decided that I want to do Yoga. Notice that I have said want to do Yoga and not that I am actually planning to start doing yoga. I am trying to sneak up on the depression and start doing yoga. I will of course be doing this at home, with a video. Because I cannot commit to going to class. I know that people say that by committing to go you are more likely to go. But it just gives me one more person to hide from until they forget I was supposed to be in their class. This time I am going to go solo. I hope.

Which brings me to my next thought about yoga. Why can’t they have a somewhat overweight and uncoordinated person as the student. That way I can see what I look like and how to fix the position. Nothing says intimidating like a peppy yoga instructor. (Except for Jessie Lucas, she is an awesome yoga instruct who would get my butt into class. But fortunately for me lives to far away.)

Today I have decided to watch the yoga video. I will commit to doing it later.